Going Under
by Nini the Electrocuted Sheep
Summary: Songfic to the song by Evanescense. My take on Harry's feelings after the Final Battle if there will be one. Written BEFORE book 6 no spoilers for any of the books.


**Authoress's note:** this was written after first hearing the song after a long time I'd forgotten it. I went through my profile and found my two HP Linkin Park songfics, and thought, "Well, Harry seems to fit angsty songs." And _Going Under_ was playing around in my head. Typed down the lyrics, worked in some monologue between the lines, and ten minuets later, this is what I got, finished just at midnight.

**Important note:** this was written before _Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince _came out. I could have edited it to fit the sixth book, but since I just found it in my folder, all dusty and grayed around the edges, I've decided to post it as it is, or rather was, before book 6.

Although the seventh book still hasn't come out, this is what I imagine Harry might feel if there were a 'Final Battle' and they won. Of course, there'd be losses. I don't really know who this is written/said _to_; it's kind of to everyone, from Dumbledore (the main addressee, I suppose) to Ron and Hermione. Enjoy... or not... -sigh-

**Disclaimer:** the song _Going Under _belongs to Evanescence. The characters (though only implied and none by name) belong to J.K. Rowling.

* * *

_Now I will tell you what I've done for you_

Yes, why don't I tell you.

_The fifty thousand tears I've cried_

I've cried quite a bit since the End. A lot of the people I loved died, after all. I have a right to cry, don't I?

_Screaming, deceiving, and bleeding through you_

There have been occasions I've screamed, screamed with pure frustration and exhaustion, because no matter what...

_And you – still won't hear me_

No ... no-one hears me. No one ever has.

_Going under..._

I'm afraid of going under. Having participated in the Final Battle meant I had to kill a lot of people. Death Eaters, yes, but still people. More than people, actually; Voldemort had vampires, and werewolves, and trolls, and quite a few things I'd never seen before. But I killed them all.

_Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself  
__Maybe I'll wake up for once_

You've all always tried to help me. And every time you tried, I only sank deeper down. I'm so deep down I don't think I shall ever find my way out again.

_Not tormented daily, defeated by you_

But no ... this time, I've defeated you. He's gone.

_Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom_

Yes... just when I thought I'd reached rock-bottom, where there was no lower to go, you try and bring me lower still. I never thought I could go lower than killing so many beings, but apparently you've found a way. Here I go...

_I ... dive again  
__I'm going under  
__Drowning in you  
__I'm falling forever  
__I've got to break through  
__I'm going under_

_Blurring and stirring, the truth and the lies _

You've always lied to me. Until my fifth year you kept the prophecy secret from me. In my sixth year you didn't tell me so many things... so many things... things that I may not have liked to hear, but damnit, things I needed to know!

_So I don't know what's real and what's not_

I don't suppose I'll ever know _everything_. No, there are things you will never tell me, if you haven't told me until now.

_Always confusing, the thoughts in my head_

They've always been somewhat confusing, but in a comforting way, a way that meant _me_. Then in my fifth year you went and put Snape inside my head. Thought that would help, did you?

_So I can't trust myself anymore_

Actually, the only person I trust now is myself. I don't trust you, or anyone. Just me.

_I ... dive again  
__I'm going under  
__I'm –  
__So go on and scream, scream at me  
__I'm so far away..._

You can scream all you want. There were times I screamed quite a lot. You didn't listen to me. I'm not listening to you now.

_I won't be broken again_

No. I will _not_ be broken again. I don't suppose I ever was; I've never really given in to you. I've always resisted, but if you try again... I might just break.

_I've got to breathe,  
__I can't keep going under..._

I can't, I mustn't. If I go under again, if I get involved again, I won't come out. Either I won't come out, or I will, and what I'd always feared would happen would come to be: the world will have a new Dark Lord. I'd feared it would happen in the Final Battle; the prophecy promised that only one would survive, but said nothing about the state of that one's survival. Who was to say I wouldn't have become the next Dark Lord?

_I ... dive again  
__Drowning in you  
__I'm falling forever  
__I've got to break through  
__I'm – going under_

_Going under..._

_I'm going under._

Am I going under again?


End file.
